Tuesday after the venogram I was tired, but I felt ok. Wednesday I took it easy, had a slight headache and was still tired. Thursday I felt my head was going to explode. The pressure in my head was bearable, but worse than I had ever felt it and my fatigue was awful too. I spent the whole day laying on the couch. Feeling blah for weeks before, because of night time feedings, and feeling even worse for a couple of days made me really worry about the future and I ended up quite depressed on Friday. I kept thinking about how my children are so amazing and precious and how they deserve a mom who has the energy to play with them, who doesn't yell at them for having fun and being loud, just because it is overstimulating to her. They deserve a mom who can dance at their wedding and can come and be helpful when they have children. My grandchildren deserve a grandma who can enjoy and play with them. I don't want to be in a nursing home when I am in my 50's like my aunt. Audrey would only be in her early 20's and Claire would still be in high school. That's not the life I want for them.
I know that is not a good way to think, to dwell on what might happen. It is hard to feel bad when you have a degenerative disease, because you end up wondering if this feeling is a progression of the disease and if you will ever feel better again.
I do a lot better on weekends when I can be with Curtis and other people. Curtis and John (my father-in-law) gave me a priesthood blessing last night. I am feeling better, both physically and emotionally. I'm trying to keep my chin up. I am trying to be patient as I wait for the doctor to come up with a solution to fix my vein. It is my hope for me and my children, so I can be the mommy they deserve.
9 years ago